Updated: Aug 1
I need you to hear me loud and clear: it is IMPRACTICAL for you to expect ONE PERSON to be everything for you. Whether that person is your spouse, partner, best friend, family member, etc YOU CAN NOT EXPECT ONE PERSON TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING.
That shit is exhausting for you and them. Primally, we humans survived on community. TODAY we survive on community. There are some people who fully believe that on their own they are enough (shout out to my introverts!) but I’m here to declare that is simply not true. In fact, the last two years have shown what can happen to a person psyche when left without human connection for too long.
Since one person can not be your everything I like to activate what I call my “Life Team”- they’re the people who love me no matter what- no matter what stupid shit comes out of my mouth, they’re there. In fact, when I need any one of them, its like Ron Burgandy on Anchorman screaming “NEWS TEAM ASSSSSEMBLE (except its life team, you get it).” They are spaces for containment, conversations of growth and the safety that comes from what traditional “family” model is often stated to be. I’m going to introduce you to members of my life team who help me survive and advance through life. For the sake of understanding the impact someone can have on your life, not one person listed under each category is connected to me by blood or marriage. Your life team can be blood or it can be the family you choose and that is ok too!
I hope this helps with you with identifying your secure life team too!
The Safe Pessimist
I’m starting here because most people would be like “WTF WHY DO WE NEED THIS PERSON?!” But trust me they are important. This person is not Eeyore. They don’t bring you down all of the time, but you keep them around to make sure you don’t do something completely stupid. If you have a crazy idea, you go to them to see if it really is *that* crazy. If you have an idea you know is going to work, you call them to find out all the reasons why it wouldn’t, just so you’re prepared for any attack to the plan you did not see.
It is important to note: a SAFE pessimist is often times very level in emotion. No extreme highs, no extreme lows.
This is my friend Matt. God bless him, he’s seen some shit. We really only talk 5 times a year but whenever I have a crazy idea I always pop out of the blue, ask him a million questions on what he thinks about it and he relays all the reasons why it wont work- in the most gentle and sincere way possible. I leave conversations invigorated with challenges I’m going to attack just to spite his devils advocate mind. You see, he provides feedback not because he doesn’t want me to do the crazy things I want to do- he just doesn’t have the proof of it being possible yet.
THAT’S WHAT MAKES HIM SAFE.
He’s not providing a different way of looking because he enjoys watching me cry or wants me to burn in a fiery hell— he enjoys seeing what crazy shit I make real. His safety lies in him having NO ILL WILL towards me. He also has ZERO attachment to the outcome. That is very important.
Me: “Matt, I’m writing a book and including a story with you in it- just warning you.”
Matt: “I feel like you’re going to get real sick of writing. Are you sure you want to do this? Also let me know when it’s out, I’m for sure buying it.”
He was right, I got sick of writing, however that comment fueled me to figure out how to love it. The Safe Pessimist is a catalyst to your very best you and also fire blanket on top of terrible ideas. Keep them close for whenever you need them activated.
The Eternal Optimist
The exact opposite of the pessimist is our number one hype person. They think everything is going to work and it. Is. amazing. Not to be confused with a fake optimistic person who is struggling to keep their own shit together, the Eternal Optimist actually BELIEVES the good is there…somewhere…even if you have to hunt for it. I often engage my Eternal Optimist when the world is for sure about to end and I can’t possibly see how a situation is going to go right. The main difference between the Optimist and the Pessimist: I only call the pessimist when I’m confident in my footing and can handle whatever they are going to say. I call the optimist always. AND When I’m about to burn the world down, jump on a plane and change my name I call Chelsea Rose.
I met Chelsea two weeks into the pandemic when my positive “let’s zoom happy hour!” Wore off and I had turned into a full blown alcoholic from no adult interaction and Frozen 2 on repeat. Sunshine quite literally shines out of her ass as she pulled off making a Chamber thrive in an all virtual world. Here is the thing about Chelsea. She has struggles. She works long hours and pulls off incredible events on little budgets and small staffs. She navigated a new CEO position during the midst of a pandemic. And while she is sunshine, positivity and all that can go right, she is real. She works hard, she faces troubles but she does it with the “what can go right” attitude not the “what is inevitably going to go wrong.” She talks me off of tall ledges. Then hugs me no matter what path I choose. And then prays for me.
There is safety in the person who believes in the good. It is important to have one of them in your corner. Get you a Rose.
The No Strings Attached Believer
I used to call this person the embodiment of a mother’s love in another human being. I realized though that that description does not always work because some of us have less than ideal moms. So let me describe this person to you.
For this team member, there are no requirements. No agenda that has to be met. There are no checked boxes and no height requirements to stay on the ride of life together. They love you through the bad and celebrate the good harder than anyone else. Often times you’ve lived 10,000 lives with this person. Patches of incessant contact lives in between months of silence that result in immediate start up again like time never passed. When you think about what “family” means to you, this person often comes to mind first, for they love you like family without the blood requirement. Mud is Thicker than Blood after all (Shit Your Mama Never Said foreshadowing).
This is my best friend Chelsee. She has existed in my world since I was 13 years old and outside of my Aunt Dawn, she has loved me the longest on this planet. She has seen all sides of me. Successful, not successful, drunken college bartender making less than questionable decisions and celebrated speaker changing lives. She was my first call the night of the fire, and my first text when the shock of I finding out I was pregnant wore off. I am loud and fiery, she is quiet and calm and laughs at all the ridiculous parts of me- with no judgement. With her, there are no requirements on how I function or show up- she loves me anyways.
When I need to be too much, I call her, because she always accepts me as I am. I’m not sure I would have survived the life changing weekend that was June 12, 2022 without her. I blew into her house at noon, declared “IM A LOT RIGHT NOW” and spewed nonsense for 3 hours straight. And she let me.
She never forgets a special date, loves my babies as her own and is the embodiment of home for me. I am not sure she was even aware of what she was agreeing to by accepting my “your my best friend” call, but I’m glad that 20 years later she still is. I’ll spend the next three life times celebrating her. The good Lord above and universe did their work conspiring to bring our souls together. I am forever grateful for my soul’s place to call home.
The NSAB Part Two: The hype (wo)man
It is also important to understand there are people in our lives who catapult us into greatness. They exist in our space to cause a jolt that makes us think differently and act. Often times, our soul sees them and we decide that they are going to be our friend whether they like it or not.
They see you so deeply. They make you move. And they, without a shed of doubt, believe in you. You can bounce ideas off of them. You can be all of the emotions in a 5 minute standing and they accept it as it is. They are a no grudge soldier.
Also, their presence in your life is effortless and when they show up, you move in big ways.
Entering in stage right: Alexis and Zach. Both exist in my life from a deep knowing that I needed to have them for forever.
I met Zach when I was 13 years old. Our lives have consisted of a multitude of highs and lows, mainly brought on by my incessant need to fight him. Why fight? Because he questions everything, researches everything and he, my friends, is safe. We’re oil and water in personalities so we can burn the house down fighting but he’s safe, so we still love each other at the end of it. I know he’s not going anywhere.
I know that when he disappears or I disappear, we’ll eventually reappear in each other’s lives like a tsunami of compliments and destruction. BUT i know, that when he reappears, something in my life is about to get drastically better. I don’t know why the universe uses him as a sign, but its been that way my whole life. When he shows up, I make more money, grow in success and become softer. I am an enneagram 8 and have this lust for a fight- but its not appropriate (obviously) to fight everyone. Zach catapults me forward when he gives me the space to loose my shit.
And sometimes I can get really mean.
And sometimes he can get really mean back.
And then we fight hard.
And then we talk it out.
And then he asks me if I’m done being a little bitch.
And life propels forward in a quick motion.
I’m not saying all hype men exist in the arena to give you a place to fight. Zach’s safety in me being me always propels me forward.
Alexis, I believe was put on this world to propel me forward in love and adornment.
No one on this planet thinks I’m more capable than her.
No one on this planet compliments me more than her.
She thinks I’m attractive always, successful always and reminds me of God’s love- always.
She recently described it so well in that her love is authentic, real and vulnerable.
And she is a catalyst for my soul to move forward.
Deeply prophetic and connected to God on a direct line, she speaks words of truth over me, holds me when I’m fragile and lets me be who I need to be. She reminds me of who I am, hypes me up like no other and propels me forward by holding my future manifestations close to her heart.
She is safe and kind and there are no requirements other than I believe daily how beautiful and wanted I am. There is no love quite like the love she gives me. There are no strings attached. It’s strong and steadfast.
Her soul knew we needed each other from across the room at a meeting one day. She’s been propelling me forward ever since. There is no love quite like hers.
If you do anything in this world, FIND YOU AN ENNEAGRAM 8 FRIEND. And if you’re extra lucky find you two. Enneagram 8’s can be seen as brash, territorial, a LOT, strong and opinionated. They are all of that and what is funny is EVERYONE always tells them their life stories. Why? Because HEALTHY 8s are a beautiful space for containment. They are non judging, take information at face value, and are passionate about helping you be your best self. They feel and understand big emotions and probably have experienced a situation before in which they can guide you to a solution.
Similar to the No Strings Attached team member, they will never leave your side. They will however ask you the hard questions to make you think and come to conclusions yourself. They will help you feel big things in a safe place. They don’t let you stay small- but if that is something that you require, they will hold you until it’s time to fly. They hold you to your word. They see you when you don’t. Their relationship is a two way street- a healthy 8 enjoys you in their life as much as you enjoy them. The containment person doesn’t always have to be an enneagram 8, however, it’s better if they are.
Enter stage left: Chelsey DBC and Sarah Beth Hurley. Both have fire deep down in their soul that exists to cause change in the world. Both were also brought into my life during a time in which my own fire was completely extinguished. They showed up to spark the flame and keep it lite when I didn’t have the strength to do it myself. There have been the ultimate highs and the lowest lows but in both they hold me, guide me and challenge me. My world with them collided last year when they two finally met and over the last year we have spent time watching each other’s fire burn strong.
We have soul revelations together. We speak words over each other of encouragement and safety (which is much needed in todays world). We create magic in our lives and stand back in awe of it. We ask hard questions and give hard answers.
They have no judgement. Their room of emotional intelligence far out weighs mine. We recommend books and good food. We laugh. And often times cry, through very hard things.
When my foundation needs repair, they are there.
When I’m winning, they are the loudest clapping in the room. Their love for me is so deep. My love for them is so strong. It’s easy, exciting, BIG, and full of magic.
There is a quote: “A good friend knows the song of your heart and can sing it back to you when you’ve forgotten the words.” They have the words of my heart tattooed on theirs. Theirs no love quite like that.
The Tribe of Abundance
I’m lumping a group of women together during this section because it’s important you understand them. This one is especially important if you are a small business owner. Here, I’m going to start with my story, then explain them.
After I had my daughter, I felt so very alone- in fact, it was the loneliest I had ever felt. I was slapped in the face of reality when, after the newness of a baby wore off, I sat there, all by self, with no where to go and no one to go to. My friends didn’t have babies yet and at this point I had not yet met women in Texas who I was comfortable divulging the ugly side of PPD to. When Frankie was just 3 months old, I ventured out to a networking meeting to try and get my make up business up and running again (if you’re new here, on top of being an amazing motivator and creator of Exceptional Humans, I am a Professional Make Up artist. This was going to be my “out” from going back to my corporate career). It was at this meeting, a momentum in me began.
I met women of all ages, at all stages of business who’s main goal was simple: abundance. They dreamed big, they lived big, they themselves were big in life. At this meeting we divulged goals we were working on, plans for the future and what our ideal business would look like. We no longer attend that specific group anymore, but from it, my Tribe of Abundance was born.
Who are they? Women who believe that life and business happen together. Women with big dreams and aspirations who are running full force at it. Women who support business whether monetary or by sharing of content. Women who believe just for the sake of believing. Women who are going balls the walls on their goals…and guess what?
We achieved them. We went from working in other people’s businesses to owning, gutting out, creating spaces and taking over our industries. We went from names amongst ourselves to magazine articles and national attention. We went from working solo to having teams of people working for us and with us. Our big audacious goals from 6 years ago? We blew them out of the water- and have even bigger ones now.
I HAD to excel, just so I could stay in the same circle as them. I HAD to move, because they were moving. I HAD to achieve because they were. Was their pressure to do those things? NO. But there was support, love, encouragement, goals and an ever desire to go after the same things they were. They became great, I became great and together we all keep on moving. I am forever grateful for the Tribe of Abundance I get to call home in the women who blow it out of the water every day to create an abundant life.
Today, we experience life and business together. We’re watching our families grow bigger and older. We encourage and support business expansion and new business ventures. We don’t talk every day and sometimes only see each other in a passing swoop, but when something happens in any of our worlds, we are always the loudest clapping. And when we run into each other, we’re always the loudest in the room. They are phone call away. A hug away. An abundance victory away. What a blessing.
We’ll stop at these for now, but be on the look out for a part two!
It’s important to know that you can have a person who embodies multiple of these types- in fact, many of the people I listed here embody two categories. You can, of course, also have multiple people in each category (my listing in each category was not an extensive list- but I’m afraid if I talked about all the people in each category you’d stop at the first one and not continue. I’m long winded, it’s my cross to bear).
Think on it. Who in your life embodies these types of people? What types of people are in your life that support you being your best self but weren’t yet listed- comment below and tell me! Maybe they’ll get featured in part two!
And yes, there can be multiple people who embody the same type of your life team! If you have multiples, you are multiplely (not a word but still) blessed!
You are important. The people you surround yourself with is EXTRA important. If there are spots available on your life team, let the world know. The universe and/or God (depending on where your belief lies) will conspire with you to fill the team if you are ready for the expansion.
It is a nobly brave thing to find the people who you are safe to be you with.
Got a spot open and want me to help fill it? I got you boo! I’m dressed and ready to make a scene!
love you, mean it!