I started this as a caption to an instagram picture…and it turned into a whole thing…so saddle up, here we go…
I used to think it was other people hurting me…until I realized…shit…it’s always been me.
I sought out attention from people not good for me in order to feel something.
I would start fights, altercations and dramatic events just to feel alive.
I wouldn’t open my mouth to express emotions or assert boundaries.
I was just out there allowing the world to beat me up…allowing myself to beat me up.
Pain, suffering, and unhappiness were my equilibrium. I did not present this outwardly- this was an internal struggle (that was obvious by my overactive people pleasing and self abandonment).
SO MUCH SO, that when good things started to happen, I would self sabotage just to go back to feeling terrible.
Felling good, joy, happiness and other emotions like it were so foreign to me that I would make them stop…in any way possible. “Why would anyone like me anyways?” Was my subconscious’s go to line.
I’ve been working on myself for a long time. Doing the work to come out of trauma is no joke. Doing the work to survive every day life, change my narrative and see myself in a new way, was no joke.
But in the last two months I’ve healed worthiness and abandonment wounds that were so deep, I feel like I’m high from the discovery. My days are short and long as I work through my own crap, while supporting others to do the same.
In the last two months I’ve opened my mouth more. I’ve had intentionally uncomfortable conversations with people in my life that have caused me to stretch and grow. I’ve said ‘no’ more.
I’ve cried. A lot (and I’m not a big crier).
But a long with my growth, I’ve gotten the opportunity to bring more people on the growth train. I’ve had late night conversations that have led to light bulb moments for individuals. I’ve pestered close friends to finally take all the tests in my Personality Recipe…and then held the space for hard conversation of discovery…in that maybe they’ve been unintentionally hurting themselves (or others) too…
I’m surrounded by warriors doing the hard work.
Today I did something on my hard work list too. You see, pre kids, I did CrossFit. I was not the most fittest on the planet but I was STRONG and always brought a certain pizazz to our workouts. I loved it. Post kids, my workouts have been subpar- and always last on the list. In 2021 I joined The Hook to try something new. I dropped 20 lbs in 2 months. I looked amazing. I felt amazing. BUT when I started to realize how good it felt, I went back to my old ways, dropped something that made me feel so good- and self sabotaged by throwing myself into the hard balls life was throwing me in event planning.
But today, I decided I was done with that. And I signed back up. And I took my first class.
I’m sore as hell, but I feel alive again. And I’ll show up again tomorrow.
I’m trying this new thing of leaning into what feels good- instead of what feels bad. When the good shows up, I expect more good to follow it (This is not my standard state, so I still to this day, work on this). I expect deep moments of growth and deep exhaustion that makes you sleep good at night. I expect hard conversations to lead to magical things.
I expect Magic. Always.
This does not mean I live in a fairy tale land- far from it. This does mean though, that I refuse to live in the land of disconnect, distraction, and disarray. Every day may not be the best day ever, but there is goodness and beauty in every single day and I intend to find it.
My new dedication to myself is in it all: Mind, Body, Spirit.